My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
