can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Couch. On fire.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
