I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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