Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
