My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
