So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
