I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
