just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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