i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
