Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
