I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
