T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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