Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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