i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
