the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
