Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
