I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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