opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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