He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I look excited, but its just a facade.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
