I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
