I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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