NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
false alarm, still single
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
