so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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