I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Randomize
