someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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