We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
