I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
