im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
