Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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