the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
