i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
