I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
