Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
