Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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