I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
