You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
