So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
