I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
