i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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