He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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