So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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