it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
