Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I won the penis lottery.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
