you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
