hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
