Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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