I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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