tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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