Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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