mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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