I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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